Mommy Fail @ Four Months

Well, we've made it to four months. Four months still breastfeeding and with a happy, healthy, breathing baby. If you'd have asked me in the beginning if I would still be breastfeeding this far along, I'd have had to pause and give it serious consideration. Never imagining that I'd find my way. In the beginning I was terrified that I'd do something wrong and mess her up. But somehow I've managed to keep her breathing and healthy with barely an injury. (I still touch her sometimes when she's too peaceful just to make sure she's still alive, how long does that last?)

It took me four months before I truly injured my child for the first time. After my fourth month I felt comfortable with "I've-got-this-I'm-an-expert" and it bit me in the ass. While visiting friends who recently had a baby I decided to cut Bonnie's fingernails because she wouldn't let me when she was sleeping. I got through all the sharp ones and felt pretty proud of myself. Put the clippers down and moved on. But wait, this thumb nail looks too long, let me get that one too. Snip! Waaaaaahhhhhh. Took off a chunk of baby's finger too. She cried for about 30 seconds, but then calmed down. We ran her finger under water and it started bleeding. Our hostess is a nurse so she got supplies to help me. Paper towels to put pressure, peroxide, Neosporin, and band aids. Because it was the tip of her thumb it was hard to get a good pressure angle. Once the Dora band aid was on, we needed to get a bigger one to hold it in place. When I squeezed the tip of the Dora band aid blood came squishing out. I can handle all kinds of blood but the fact that I did that to my baby made me light headed. I had to hand her off to Johnathan. She bled for close to 45 minutes so we decided to take her to children's urgent care (it being a holiday and all). When we got there they took us right back because they were pretty sure there wasn't anything they could do for her. They took some gauze and put it on her thumb and then wrapped her little hand all the way up to put good pressure on it. They said a band aid wasn't a good idea because it could come off and she could choke on it (good to know). We made a few jokes about her monster hand, and Johnathan kept saying, "I'm not a monster!" Her little hand was so heavy and she couldn't grip things without her thumb, but she sure tried. She seemed fine and didn't care. Everyone said it happens all the time, but that didn't keep me from feeling like a total piece of useless crap. Who cares if moms do this all the time, I'm not supposed to do it. I accidentally injured my child and felt horrible, it makes you wonder how anyone could do it on purpose. Needless to say Bonnie won't remember it and doesn't care, but I care and I'll never forget. :(

My MIL says I'll do anything to make her left handed :)

We had her 4 month doctor appt today and she checked out well. 13 pounds 14.8 ounces (50th percentile) and 25.5 inches long (90th percentile). We have ourselves a tall little girl, who just loves to kick kick kick those tall little legs. She still doesn't sleep through the night, but she's getting close. She's such a sweet and happy little baby. She rarely gets fussy and loves to give smiles. I'll take that over sleeping through the night any day (oh nice pun!). I only have one four month picture because she was squirming and I couldn't find my actual camera (more on that in a later post). But Johnathan managed to get one good picture on his cell phone.

Oh, and after going on and on about how I'm quitting breastfeeding...I've decided not to quit breastfeeding. It's amazing a woman's ability to change her mind. I've come to this conclusion for several reasons. 1) I'm still producing quite well and it'd be a kick in the face to all those who wish they still could, 2) I've managed to get it down to just pumping in the mornings and at bedtime so it doesn't interrupt my day. That's enough to give her several servings during the day with a little formula supplementing, 3) She's not sleeping through the night and there's nothing easier then just pulling her over and feeding her, and 4) I honestly don't want to go through the discomfort of engorgement, selfishly :). Good for baby, good for me.

Bonnie Brags

• She's a brave girl that doesn't cry for long when she's hurt. She also got her 4 month shots today and was easily consoled by Mama after the fact
• She loves her bedtime stories and kick kick kicks with excitement
• She's learning to grab her pacifier and pull it out of her mouth and then put it back in, sometimes the wrong way, but I think that's on purpose. She's taken to gnawing on it, I wonder if she's starting to teeth.
• She lays happily entertaining herself if she wakes up before Mommy and Daddy are ready to get up.
• Oh I could keep going on and on but you've just gotta see this kid to truly get how awesome she is!

This and That...

• When you take a baby as cute as Bonnie out in public, you're pretty much guaranteed to get a lot of attention. Lots of ohhhs and ahhhs and how cutes. Inevitably people ask what her name is. It's tough work naming things, I sure don't envy Adam his task of naming all the animals. When we had to name Jericho it was quite an exercise. Luckily, Bonnie's name wasn't that hard because she's basically named after my Grandmother. We LOVED the name, and were surprised when not everyone we told (before she was born) was as excited about it as we were. After a child is born, people tend to keep their mouths shut about whether they like it or not, so I don't really expect snarky comments from the general public when they ask her name. But one thing I didn't expect, is how genuinely proud I am to say her name. It's sweet, and girly, and adorable just like she is. I hope she grows up proud of her name, and proud to be named after someone as awesome as my Grandmother.
• On a related note, that's why when we get around to having our second child, we're not going to tell people the name we've chosen until the child is born. No ones opinion matters on the name, except ours, therefore no one gets an opinion. Also, just for the fun of it, I'm considering not sharing the gender either. Johnathan and I will know, but no one else will. *insert evil laugh*
• It's so fun to see Bonnie's personality come out in relation to toys. In order to get more of a bedtime routine in place for her, I've started to read to her before bedtime. The other night I was reading a book that has pictures with texture. The first few pictures I pulled her hand out and made her feel. She didn't seem too interested so I stopped. But along came the next picture with a baby chick on it and Bonnie leaned forward and touched it all on her own! Mama was proud! Also, the other day I had her in her Bumbo and she kept dropping her toy, so I attached the little table that comes with it to hold her toy. Well forget the toy! She made it her life's mission to disconnect the table top and she was successful. Once she'd pulled it off, she kicked it away. Stubborn like Mommy and Daddy, this is going to be an interesting household.
• Over the next two weeks I'm going to seriously begin my attempt to stop breastfeeding. It's so bittersweet. I completely understand that I'm lucky and have no problem producing milk. I know many mothers would love to be in my position. I have no physical reason to stop, and many women do it for a full year. I know I'll miss it when I'm done, but I feel like it's the right decision for me (I've discussed some of those here). I'm actually proud of myself for making it this long, in the beginning I didn't think I would. We've already started supplementing with a little formula to get her use to it. It's funny how when 2 ounces of formula go to waste, I don't care. But if 2 ounces of breast milk goes to waste, I'm genuinely upset by it. I put a lot of effort into that breast milk, whereas the formula is just money lost. Regardless of where you stand on breastfeeding (and I'm sure there's a bunch of strong opinions out there) please send me warm thoughts over the next few weeks, as it's not going to be pleasant.

Bonnie's bonnet...how cute!



Mother's Day

Mother's day has always been a "funny" day for me. Because I grew up without a mother it wasn't really on my radar until it had to be. I usually had no idea when it was, unless we were in elementary school making something for our mothers. Obviously in those instances I gave whatever I made to Dad. I'm sure I probably did some things for Grandmama over the years, but can't remember anything specific.

I could have gone through the day perfectly happy if people didn't make it a point to come up to me with sympathy in their eyes, hug me, and say they were sorry. I'm sure they had the best of intentions, but it wasn't really helpful. I'm sure for those who don't know me, it all sounds so very cold hearted, but trust me when I say that you can only mourn so long for someone that you never knew. At some point you have to suck it up and gather strength from the circumstances rather than wallow in them. I always say that I'm strong because of my mothers death, not in spite of it.

Once I got married, Mother's day took on a little bit more meaning. I had to remember when it was, because we all know that men are hopeless to remember things like that (am I right ladies!?!?) and Johnathan's mom deserved recognition. After all she did give life to my best friend and lover (I just felt everyone cringe at that one). So over the last few years, I've learned to remember and embrace the day.

However, this year it's taken on another new meaning. It's now a day to celebrate me. To recognize all that I do as a mother. And I now know that this day is SO necessary. We mothers work hard! We feed, and nuture, and comfort, and soothe, and love, and care, and cherish, and snuggle, and and and. The list could go on forever.

I mean, sure, someone (heartless) could make an arguement that we have birthdays so why do we need Mother's day!? But I think once you become a mother those days should both be honored and separate. Birthday's should be to celebrate who you are as a person, friend, family member, etc.. Mother's day should be to celebrate all the sacrifices that we gladly make for our children. A moment to hear "Thank You" and to know that no matter what, we are doing something of worth.

Now I would be disingenuous if I didn't admit that a small part of me is excited about gifts, because who doesn't like gifts!? But really, I'm most excited about the fact that the day isn't just a day anymore. That I understand it now, in a way that I never did before. And that I'm now part of an awesome club of women who deserve honor...and cake (why don't we get cake on Mother's day!?!?).

With that new understanding, I'm going to thank my mother this coming Sunday for lovingly carrying me for 9 months, and her loving devotion while she was still alive. Although I don't remember it, I'm sure it was there just as it's there for me with Bonnie. I kiss Bonnie's face a thousand times a day, and I know to my core that my mother did the same. A thousand kisses that have carried me to now, and will continue to resonate for a lifetime.

I love you Mom!

Mom and 2 month old brother John

Sleeping-in

Now I may be shooting myself in the foot for saying this, but it appears we have a baby who sleeps-in on the weekends. Obviously my definition of sleeping-in has changed drastically but I'll take what I can get. On Saturday she slept til 8:30 and then on Sunday she slept til 10. In fact, that night she slept 15 hours. Not straight, she still gets up at least twice to feed but goes right back to sleep. But how cool is that!? Could she possibly be this awesome and will always sleep-in on the weekends? A sleep loving parent can only hope, perchance to dream!?

We're waiting patiently for her to sleep through the night so we can move her out of our bed. We still have her in the middle on a raised and contoured changing pad. She's beginning to outgrow it (she's getting pretty good at kicking Johnathan in the face), but until she can sleep to at least 5:30 without waking, I'm not moving her to the other room. I did buy a fancy schmancy mobile this past week and installed it, ready and waiting for her baby presence in the crib. It's really nice with animal balls that light up and spin, bees that spin, a projector that puts stars on the ceiling, and music.

Random sleep picture on her play mat

Serious side note:

Some of you may have concerns or disapprove of our sleeping habits with Bonnie. I understand, but we have taken serious precautions to ensure that there is no risk to her being in bed with us. As I mentioned, she is elevated and in a contoured pad so that she can't roll out and we can't roll in. Any blankets that we use are pinned under her pad and her feet face us. Plus our bed is king sized so we're not restricted on space.

I bring this up because Johnathan and I heard a story this weekend about a couple who lost their second child to co-sleeping. We were horrified. To lose one child is bad enough, but then a year later have another baby die because you can't be responsible enough to learn from your mistakes?! To make matters worse, the woman's mug shot is SO disturbing. She has a huge smile on her face. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! If I had just lost one child, much less two you wouldn't see a smile on my face for years. I was going to post her picture on here, but quite frankly I don't want her face on my blog. So if you're interested in the story, you can follow this link: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2126875/Vanessa-Clark-convicted-child-endangerment-SECOND-infant-dies-sleeping-bed.html?ito=feeds-newsxml