Happy One Month!

Our little one turned 1 month yesterday. I cannot believe that it's been that long. Time has really flown by! Bonnie is as cute as ever. She sleeps for longer periods at night, but still wakes up quite a bit. We're slowly finding our new norm, but certainly couldn't do it without help. My mother in law has been a great help, and we've gotten a lot of help from Johnathan's father this past week during his visit.

I'm finding new ways to cope with things that were a problem before, like breastfeeding. I'm finding a new rhythm and disposable breast pads have been a life saver. I was SO frustrated before because I was leaking through the pads, but these disposable ones have a plastic backing so I'm not having issues. I think I might just be able to stick this out!

Bonnie still has gas issues, but we're working through it. It's usually in the morning when she gets fussy and gassy, but she calms down a bit if I hold her through it.

She has had a full bath twice now. Each time she didn't cry and seemed to like it, so I'm glad for that. No one wants a screaming baby during bath time.

She's holding her head up now for longer periods of time. It's fun to see her try to look around.

She's getting better at taking a paci, but has also discovered sucking on her thumb/fingers. Honestly, I'll take anything that can soothe her without having to feed her all the time. Plus I was a thumb sucker until I was about 6 and there were no negative results from it. So I'm all for it for Bonnie.

We have another pediatrician appointment tomorrow, so we'll find out how much weight she's gained. I'm guessing she's in the mid 8 lbs by now. Baby girl is gettin heavy!

Finally, the nursery is revealed

Although most women have their nursery finished before the baby is born, I suppose I'm not like most women. Although it was painted and the furniture was set-up we hadn't completed the wall "art" yet. Honestly once Bonnie came, it was hard to find time and Johnathan and I would have probably gotten on each others nerves doing it together. At this point she doesn't really use the nursery anyway, except for a changing station. I've even caught myself calling it the changing room. However, this week Johnathan's father has been visiting so I gave them the job of finishing the wall art. It took them hours, but they had a good time doing it and are really happy with the results. I'm really happy with the results too.

Other than picking out the furniture and decor I haven't been able to contribute to the creation of the nursery. Johnathan wouldn't let me paint when I was pregnant. He wouldn't let me help put the furniture together because I was pregnant (his step-father helped). And today I didn't really help with the wall art because I was taking care of baby. I did throw in a few opinions and I was able to put up THREE leaves!

I'm excited for Bonnie to grow up in this room.

I liked the changing table because it had a clothes hamper in it.

I think the boys are most proud of this wall.

Because reading is so important to me, I want it to be important to her too. Therefore, the alphabet is a must!

The Stretch Mark Saga

Remember that "cute" stretch mark I was so "proud" of during the pregnancy!? Well, when I went into the hospital to have a baby that stretch mark also had babies, lots and lots of stretch mark babies. My belly is full of them. Guess mama is gonna be wearing one piece bathing suits from now on.

Catching Up, Post Baby

• Crying- There has been lots of crying on my part. As I alluded to before, on the way home from the hospital I sat in the back seat with Bonnie and cried and cried. It was happy tears, overwhelmed with feelings of gratefulness and completion of sorts. It was a long 9 months of careful eating, medicine maintenance, and pregnancy symptoms. The labor, although easier than most, was still a real effort of will. At the end of it all we received this beautiful blessing of a child. She was cute, and tiny, and precious, and healthy. As I said on Facebook, "We feel blessed beyond words and can't help but thank God for his awesome blessings. Bonnie is His perfect gift to us." After a few nights at home, the crying became exhausted, frustrated crying. I cried over silly things. For example, I threw myself on the bed in toddler tears because my nursing bra kept breaking. There were many other instances, but I can't remember them because as I mentioned...
• Exhaustion- People try to warn you before you have a baby. They say, "get as much sleep as you can now" or "sleep when the baby sleeps". I think we were lulled into a sense of comfort at the hospital. Bonnie slept so well there, and we could use the nursery when we needed to. Whatever magic the nurses had, didn't last when we got home. Bonnie did not sleep as long while here. Every time we tried to put her in her bassinet she wouldn't stay asleep for long. Therefore, out of sheer desperation I started sleeping with the baby on me. I would feed her and then keep the boppy pillow and other pillows around me and sleep with her. That way she slept for longer periods which allowed me longer sleep. Granted it wasn't great sleep, but it was better than nothing. I worried that I was doing all the wrong things, and that I was raising a baby that was going to be clingy and never sleep alone. But really, sometimes you just have to survive. I decided that even if she did sleep well in the bassinet that I didn't like it. The walls were cloth with no breathability, and she would scoot around and end up sideways, it just didn't feel safe. Plus whenever she was laid flat on her back, she would spit up a lot. But we needed a better solution than what we had. So we made a trip to Babies R Us and purchased a contoured changing pad. We have placed it in the middle of the bed and propped it up with a pillow at the head. Now she is close at hand for feeding and changing, but we can lay her down and get some "alone" sleep time. It seems to be working. She still doesn't sleep all night, which is to be expected, but we're far less exhausted. It's hard to sleep when she's sleeping during the day because it feels so wrong, like there are other things to do and it's daylight! I've been so tired, I've looked at still pregnant women and wanted to warn them not to deliver. Haha, which is insanity and I know it'll get better, it's just hard to see sometimes.

• Feeding- Breastfeeding is hard y'all! I can totally see why someone would choose to formula feed. But I just can't bring myself to do it because of all the health benefits of breast milk. Since about a week in I've had a split on my right breast that causes pain and Bonnie doesn't like feeding on it. So I've been feeding exclusively on my left and pumping on my right. It's hard sometimes to find the time to pump without the baby on me, but I am getting a good supply of milk. We wanted to wait to use the bottle to reduce the risk of nipple confusion, but after about a week and a half we caved in. It helps to have that option for when her Grandmother is here watching her or Johnathan can feed her too. The first time I gave her a bottle, it broke my heart because I felt it shouldn't be that way, but it really is helpful and it's still breast milk. The worst part about breastfeeding is that it feels like my body isn't my own anymore. I have no control over when I leak. I feed her and pump quite often but if I go too long I'll just start leaking everywhere. I'm tired of having to pump in the middle of the night too. I wonder when I won't have to think about it so much, or worry about it so much? It's just not cool.
• Gas- We have got a gassy baby on our hands! She has the hiccups every day multiple times a day, she burps, spits up, toots like a grownup, and has painful gas (poor baby). I say she gets the toots from her daddy. We've started using gripe water, and hope it will help a little. I think she may have mild colic, but she doesn't cry that much.
• Fear- There's a small part of me that is terrified I'll mess up, that I'll be the one person who can't manage to keep their baby alive. If she hasn't moved for a while, Johnathan and I will look at her closely to make sure she's still breathing. I can see that we're in for a lifetime of worrying about her and for her. I suppose that's what it means to be a parent.
• Possessive- I find myself feeling very possessive of her. Wanting her to love me and Johnathan best. I need to get over that, because quite honestly she's going to be adored by others and will adore others. She'll always have a special love for us, so I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from.
• What we love best- the "mmmm" sounds she makes when she feeds, raising both her eyebrows in her sleep, her startled hands reflex when she's sleeping (it's like the spread out arms in the video below), when she laughs in her sleep, when she stares in our eyes. I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting. These are the things that make it ALL worth it.

Birth Story- Bonnie's Big Day

I am pleased to announce the birth of Bonnie Lawrence! Born on Wednesday, January 25th at 9:33pm. She weighed 7lbs 3ounces and was 20.5 inches long. Sorry it's taken so long to update anything on here, but when you have a baby attached to you 24/7 it makes it difficult to type :).

The few days before we were scheduled to go in for the induction Johnathan and I were listless. We made it a point to go out to eat a few times, but otherwise we just didn't know what to do with ourselves. It's like waiting for the biggest moment you can think of, and feeling antsy and nervous for it all at the same time. On Monday we got Jericho groomed so that when we brought Bonnie home he wouldn't stink up the place.

Tuesday was the big day, so my goals that day were getting my hair done, getting us packed, and eating a good meal before the hospital.  It may seem silly and frivolous for me to get my hair done, but it was necessary. I got it colored (which was overdue) and had it blown out nice and straight. I'd put some thought into how I would look being at the hospital for several days. I decided that I didn't want to have my hair in a pony tail the whole time, because Johnathan prefers my hair down. Curly wasn't really an option because the minute I sleep on it, it becomes a rats nest. My best choice was straight hair because that looks better for a  longer period with little maintenance. We women know that the hair stylist always does a better job then we can do ourselves and I wanted it to LAST! I don't regret it at all! I didn't look like a ragamuffin the whole time in the hospital AND I gave myself a relaxing treat on a day when I knew pain was right around the corner.

After the hair appointment I came back home and we finished packing up our two bags: one for delivery and one for recovery per the hospitals request. We ended up having both bags in the delivery room though, because you just can't plan what you'll need, and of course as people had warned me we didn't need most of it. But I digress...

We then dropped Jericho off at the in-laws and drove into the city. Traffic was bad but we changed routes a few times and made our way to Boston Market. It ended up being a good choice for a meal. It was inexpensive, quick, and the food is always good. We finished with plenty of time to spare, getting to the hospital a good 15 minutes earlier than we needed to be.

They took us to our room and told me to change into the robe. I asked if I could wear the one I'd brought and the lady said I'd have to ask my nurse. I sat around waiting for the nurse for a while, but Johnathan thought I should at least put on their gown and then ask. So I did:

But the nurse finally came in and said mine was ok, so I was happy. Even though you could still see my butt in mine, it was still a million times better. They warned me it would get ruined but I said I didn't care. And happy surprise, it didn't.

We weren't too keen on this nurse, she wasn't very pleasant. And isn't that just the luck, to get a cranky nurse! She started with putting the monitors on me, very much like the NST with a heart monitor and a contraction monitor. I apparently had to keep those on the entire time unless I was going to the bathroom. To put the monitors on she threw the blankets back revealing my lady parts to the whole room (granted that was just her and Johnathan but still), I kept covering up and she kept revealing. I know at some point you have to have no shame in these situations, but I hadn't reached that point yet. Then she started an IV in my left arm. If I had thought about it I would have had her do the right side because I ended up having to sign some papers and couldn't grip the pen very well. The IV sucked! It made it very difficult for me to bend my wrist or push up with that hand, and as you can see the aftermath wasn't pretty.

This IV provided me with fluids and the Pitocin that would start my productive contractions. They started that at a low dose that night, and planned to jack it up in the morning to get the real work started. The nurse explained to me that they would have to put another IV in my right arm to provide me with an insulin drip to control my blood sugars. Knowing how the first IV felt, I was LESS than thrilled about this development.

The good news was that night they decided I could take my insulin like normal and wouldn't have to be connected to the second IV just yet. But that opened up a whole new can of worms when the pharmacy told the nurse that there was no way I would be taking 82 units of the insulin I said I needed. They said I asked for fast acting insulin and that would be very dangerous in that dose. Of course, I didn't actually bring that med with me so I pulled up my pharmacy records on my phone and showed her, but it didn't say dosage so it didn't help her. Then we called Johnathan's mom and asked her to go and look at my bedside to verify, and she did but again the dosage wasn't on the bottle. FINALLY the pharmacy was like, oh is it Novalin N? And I said, yes. So unbeknownst to me, there's more than one type of Novalin. I just thought there was Novalog which is fast acting and Novalin which is slow acting. Dr. S always called my bedtime insulin N but I didn't think to mention it to them. Once we got that resolved (frustrating!), they gave me a snack, an Ambian and it was off to sleepy land. Well, as much as possible with two IV sites (yes they went ahead and put the IV leads in my right hand that night) and baby monitors stuck on me. Every time I had to go to the bathroom, we had to unhook the monitors and roll the IV cart into the bathroom with me.

Wednesday morning dawned, and a new nurse brightened our room. Her name was June and she was like the Mary Poppins of nurses. Night and day (pun intended) from the previous nurse. We started upping my Pitocin and she hooked up the insulin drip, which meant my blood sugar had to be tested every hour. That was a whole other bummer because their tester required a lot more blood then mine and took longer to read. I wish they would have let me test myself, and next time I may insist on it. I like to test in my thumbs because it hurts less, but I can say they looked like mincemeat when all was said and done. Plus you should have seen the ballet we had to perform for me to go to the bathroom with two separate IV carts, it took all three of us.

As the day progressed I kept having more and more contractions but they weren't painful which meant they weren't progressing my cervix. The doctor (not Dr. N she wasn't on call) was thinking that because I wasn't making progress that they'd probably give me until 4 and if I still hadn't dilated they'd dial  back the Pitocin, feed me and try again the next day. That wasn't appealing to me. I'd gotten used to the idea of her birthday being 1/25 and I didn't want to have to go through another night of this.

Who knows if it was mind over matter, or simply them increasing the Pitocin past the max but around 3 the contractions started becoming painful. I asked for the epidural, but when they checked I was still only 1cm dilated so I couldn't get it. They decided to give me another pain med in my IV instead. I can't for the life of me remember what it was called but it certainly did a number on me. Made me very sleepy, but it did take off the edge of the contractions. By this time Johnathan was sitting directly by me and whenever I had a contraction he'd let me squeeze his hand hard and he'd fan me with my little woven fan (that thing has been with me during some important times, on my wedding day and my baby's delivery). That connection through his hand was honestly what helped me through the pain, with a little help from the drugs.

In a daze

By around 4:30 June decided to check me again and I'd dilated to 2.5 or 3 which was enough for the epidural (yay!). Maybe I was just in a daze, but the doctor seemed to come in quickly and I was very thankful to have the epidural.

They broke my water soon after that, and noticed there was some meconium in it. That means the baby had a bowel movement in the womb and would need to be checked out immediately upon delivery to make sure she didn't inhale any of it. I'd often childishly said that I didn't want my babies placed directly on my chest when I deliver because they're icky, but since being pregnant I had changed my mind about that. I guess nature had the last laugh and my childishness had it's way.

The next few hours was a lot of me dozing in and out from a combo of exhaustion, drugs, and epidural. June left us at 7 and we got our second angel nurse Michelle. She was the opposite of June in that she was young and perky but I think that's what we needed. Around 8 or so she checked my dilation and surprise, I was fully dilated! She had someone else come in to double check because they were surprised at how quickly I had progressed. Confirmed! It was time to start pushing. Remember I mentioned my messed up pedicure and how I planned to wear cute knee socks!? Yeah, those lasted about 10 minutes into pushing. Every time I put my feet down they'd start slipping on the bed, no traction. So I took them off and just stared at my busted toenails instead...however the socks did leave heart impressions in my legs for a while :).

Michelle warned me that pushing might take a couple of hours, but again I wasn't having that. The pushing was my least favorite part. I knew it was the only thing that was going to bring my baby into this world, but man it made me feel really light headed. If you know me, you know I'm stubborn so I made sure my pushing was productive and I got Bonnie ready to go in about 45 minutes. Johnathan was of course being a huge help the whole time. Holding one of my legs during pushes, encouraging me, and putting a cold cloth on my forehead and fanning me in between. Granted I had to ask for the cloth and the fan each time because he kept getting distracted, but that's understandable. Side note: when they ask you to breath through the contractions and not push so the doctor can come...that sucks worse than pushing!

As Bonnie was coming out Michelle said, "Oh wow! Look at that blonde hair!" She looked at us a little shocked, because Johnathan and I are obviously brunettes, but we explained that we suspected that. We were both blondes until we were about 6 years old. Also, my dad is a blonde and the women on Johnathan's fathers side are blondes.

The doctor came in and got suited up for the final push. I'm pretty sure it was just one push and Bonnie was on her way out, but they had me stop pushing midway because, surprise her cord was around her neck. Her heart rate never went down to indicate that, so the doctor was really surprised. Johnathan says he swears he saw the cord before the doctor did. She apologized that he couldn't cut the cord and she took care of it quickly, so I didn't have time to be scared. Out she came, and they took her over to the warming area to check her out. Everything checked out fine with her and her lungs. We waited patiently for my placenta, it took its sweet time and then I got sewed up. Apparently only 2nd degree tearing, which to me sounds great because I was really nervous it would be worse. The nurses all exclaimed at Bonnie's brown eyes and I assured them that was not possible considering I had blue and Johnathan had green. Turns out her eyes are a dark gray blue. But seriously, NOT something you want to hear haha.

After everything was said and done, Bonnie and I had some skin to skin time until about 10:30 because we had to wait an hour to feed her. They needed to test her blood sugar to make sure it was ok and it was 95 which was great! Bonnie has continued to perform perfectly throughout the entire pregnancy, delivery, and afterwards. Passing all of her tests with flying colors. I worked very hard to make sure that she had every opportunity to be healthy, and I can honestly say I'm so proud of myself.



The first time, ever I saw her face

Skin to Skin

We were finally transferred to our after labor room, where there was a proper sleep area for Johnathan (not much better than what he had before though) and I was able to get some food in me. Johnathan went to the cafeteria and got me hot dogs, yum! The next few days were a blur of nurses, aids, food people, visitors, etc. The first night nurse was again not very likable but the rest of the time we had fantastic nurses, thanks Kimiko and Jenny! Of course the diabetes was an issue and they kept on my case about my meds and my blood sugars and what I ate (so annoying). We were allowed to leave around 3 on Friday, they were waiting for Bonnie to have just one more bowel movement, but they weren't overly concerned so they let us go. And boy were we ready to get outta there. Of course, not fully realizing that the real work was yet to come.

Oh, these fingers are familiar!

Bright eyed but no bushy tail

Johnathan was pulling the car around, so I had some time sitting in the first floor entrance. That day there was a lady playing the grand piano so I asked if she could play Claire de Lune, one of my favorites that was played at our wedding and is on Bonnie's CD. As she played, Bonnie reached out and wrapped her hand around my finger for the first time. It took everything in me not to start crying right then and there. It was a beautiful moment that I'll never forget.

That's not to say I didn't start sobbing in the car on the way home, but that's a story for another day.