Crying- There has been lots of crying on my part. As I alluded to before, on the way home from the hospital I sat in the back seat with Bonnie and cried and cried. It was happy tears, overwhelmed with feelings of gratefulness and completion of sorts. It was a long 9 months of careful eating, medicine maintenance, and pregnancy symptoms. The labor, although easier than most, was still a real effort of will. At the end of it all we received this beautiful blessing of a child. She was cute, and tiny, and precious, and healthy. As I said on Facebook, "We feel blessed beyond words and can't help but thank God for his awesome blessings. Bonnie is His perfect gift to us." After a few nights at home, the crying became exhausted, frustrated crying. I cried over silly things. For example, I threw myself on the bed in toddler tears because my nursing bra kept breaking. There were many other instances, but I can't remember them because as I mentioned...
Exhaustion- People try to warn you before you have a baby. They say, "get as much sleep as you can now" or "sleep when the baby sleeps". I think we were lulled into a sense of comfort at the hospital. Bonnie slept so well there, and we could use the nursery when we needed to. Whatever magic the nurses had, didn't last when we got home. Bonnie did not sleep as long while here. Every time we tried to put her in her bassinet she wouldn't stay asleep for long. Therefore, out of sheer desperation I started sleeping with the baby on me. I would feed her and then keep the boppy pillow and other pillows around me and sleep with her. That way she slept for longer periods which allowed me longer sleep. Granted it wasn't great sleep, but it was better than nothing. I worried that I was doing all the wrong things, and that I was raising a baby that was going to be clingy and never sleep alone. But really, sometimes you just have to survive. I decided that even if she did sleep well in the bassinet that I didn't like it. The walls were cloth with no breathability, and she would scoot around and end up sideways, it just didn't feel safe. Plus whenever she was laid flat on her back, she would spit up a lot. But we needed a better solution than what we had. So we made a trip to Babies R Us and purchased a contoured changing pad. We have placed it in the middle of the bed and propped it up with a pillow at the head. Now she is close at hand for feeding and changing, but we can lay her down and get some "alone" sleep time. It seems to be working. She still doesn't sleep all night, which is to be expected, but we're far less exhausted. It's hard to sleep when she's sleeping during the day because it feels so wrong, like there are other things to do and it's daylight! I've been so tired, I've looked at still pregnant women and wanted to warn them not to deliver. Haha, which is insanity and I know it'll get better, it's just hard to see sometimes.
Feeding- Breastfeeding is hard y'all! I can totally see why someone would choose to formula feed. But I just can't bring myself to do it because of all the health benefits of breast milk. Since about a week in I've had a split on my right breast that causes pain and Bonnie doesn't like feeding on it. So I've been feeding exclusively on my left and pumping on my right. It's hard sometimes to find the time to pump without the baby on me, but I am getting a good supply of milk. We wanted to wait to use the bottle to reduce the risk of nipple confusion, but after about a week and a half we caved in. It helps to have that option for when her Grandmother is here watching her or Johnathan can feed her too. The first time I gave her a bottle, it broke my heart because I felt it shouldn't be that way, but it really is helpful and it's still breast milk. The worst part about breastfeeding is that it feels like my body isn't my own anymore. I have no control over when I leak. I feed her and pump quite often but if I go too long I'll just start leaking everywhere. I'm tired of having to pump in the middle of the night too. I wonder when I won't have to think about it so much, or worry about it so much? It's just not cool.
Gas- We have got a gassy baby on our hands! She has the hiccups every day multiple times a day, she burps, spits up, toots like a grownup, and has painful gas (poor baby). I say she gets the toots from her daddy. We've started using gripe water, and hope it will help a little. I think she may have mild colic, but she doesn't cry that much.
Fear- There's a small part of me that is terrified I'll mess up, that I'll be the one person who can't manage to keep their baby alive. If she hasn't moved for a while, Johnathan and I will look at her closely to make sure she's still breathing. I can see that we're in for a lifetime of worrying about her and for her. I suppose that's what it means to be a parent.
Possessive- I find myself feeling very possessive of her. Wanting her to love me and Johnathan best. I need to get over that, because quite honestly she's going to be adored by others and will adore others. She'll always have a special love for us, so I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from.
What we love best- the "mmmm" sounds she makes when she feeds, raising both her eyebrows in her sleep, her startled hands reflex when she's sleeping (it's like the spread out arms in the video below), when she laughs in her sleep, when she stares in our eyes. I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting. These are the things that make it ALL worth it.
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