Bonnie's First Trimester

My little one is now 3 months old. In some ways it's flown by and in others it seems like it's been forever. Although I still mourn my previously lazy existence, the loss feels less and less as time goes on. Now I can't imagine life without Bonnie. A day wouldn't feel complete without some Bonnie snuggles or giving her lovins.

A friend asked if I feel different now that I've had a baby. The biggest difference I feel is that it's made me more empathetic to tragedy. For example, (Hunger Games spoiler if you haven't seen it!) when Rue dies in the Hunger Games movie, I was saddened by it and choked up, but I completely lost it crying when they showed her father reacting to her death. I immediately empathized with him knowing how I'd feel if my little one (who has only been in my life 3 months) was taken from me. The news is not safe anymore either. There are too many sad stories about parents, children, families, etc.

Some people are nervous to fly, but I've always thought, if it's my time to go then I'm okay with that. But that was single me, now that I'm a mother...I have more at stake. I know what it's like to grow up without a mother and I absolutely wouldn't want that for Bonnie. Life has a weight to it now. I feel like I'm carrying her life's happiness on my shoulders. I want so badly for her to have joy.

Sloppy segue...

Although she had her 3 month birthday on Wednesday, we returned to work a week prior to that. I started back in a new role. Still in Compensation, but now I support a specific line of business rather than an entire region. The new role has given me a rejuvenation in regards to work. I'm more excited about working (even when I just want to be with my baby) because it's not the same old same old. It's not so different that I'm completely out of my comfort zone, but it's new enough that I'm energized.

I think we've all adjusted to our new schedule fairly well. The only difference I see in Bonnie's behavior is that it's harder to get her to sleep at bedtime. I'm not sure if it's because she wants to hang with me and Johnathan more, or she's over tired. Selfishly I'd like to think it's because she misses us but I also don't want her to feel deserted by us. Wow, motherhood is complicated!

In a little over a month we'll be going on vacation, and I'm planning to try to stop breast feeding before then. In the beginning I honestly wasn't sure I could have made it this long. Now that I have I'm sure I could keep it up even longer, but I'm just over all the pumping and discomfort and special bras and breast pads. I don't want to be pumping 3 or 4 times a day at the beach. Also, I have a good store of breast milk frozen, so she'll probably make it close to 5 months still on my milk. I'm definitely ready to stop, but I still feel a bit of a twinge when I think about it. She's still not sleeping through the night, and there's nothing so easy as picking her up and feeding her on the spot. I know it's best for her, but I feel like I've at least given her a good start. Plus, I miss milk and I want to be able to drink it again and not worry about how it's going to effect her tummy.

Bonnie Brags

•  She now holds her head up solidly and looks around with purpose
• She uses her hands with purpose. Reaches for and holds toys. She grabs her blankets and holds them like they are toys (super cute, you'd have to see it). She also clasps her hands together like she's pleading, total cuteness.
• I love how when I'm holding her she clings to me like I'm her anchor to this world.
• She is such a sweet, happy, smiley baby. I'm torn between feeling so proud because she came from me and Johnathan, "We made her!" and feeling grateful because she came from God to us, "He made and blessed us with her!".
• Have you seen how freakin cute she is!? Look at her little face! Yeah, that's right we procreate well! #leaningtowardsproud

The Returning to Work Blues

Tomorrow is another milestone in our lives with baby. We both return to work, no more charmed life. We're both not looking forward to it. We'd found a nice rhythm for our lives and had found a lot of happiness there.

I'll admit, before I was a mother I thought the return to work wouldn't be a big deal. I always knew that I would work even after children so I thought I would be excited to get back to grown up things. In the beginning of our leave, when it was so tiring and difficult I still might have welcomed 8 hours away. But now that things have calmed down I enjoy being around her all day.

We're lucky that Johnathan's mom is going to take care of Bonnie while we work, so we don't have to worry about her getting sick every other day. And we don't have to worry about her getting less attention then she's used to. But I think like any mother (maybe?) I'm worried that Bonnie will start preferring someone else over me. She'll be with her Grandmother A LOT more then us. And I know her Grandmother will do a great job, so why wouldn't she prefer her? Deep down I know there are very sound reasons why that won't happen, but a girl still worries.

Oh and did I mention that she still doesn't sleep through the night!? In fact, over the last few days I think she's woken up more overnight then she use to. I haven't gotten a solid nights sleep since before she was born. It's amazing the things we can get use to. That doesn't mean I don't long for a solid nights sleep.

Oh and did I also mention that I had to buy new clothes because nothing I wore before will fit!? There's nothing like shopping to make you realize how bumpy and lumpy you really are. This girl needs to lose more weight, specifically around the middle. Honestly I don't know if that's even possible.

Oh well, on the bright side here are some pictures of Bonnie sleeping.