This and That...

• When you take a baby as cute as Bonnie out in public, you're pretty much guaranteed to get a lot of attention. Lots of ohhhs and ahhhs and how cutes. Inevitably people ask what her name is. It's tough work naming things, I sure don't envy Adam his task of naming all the animals. When we had to name Jericho it was quite an exercise. Luckily, Bonnie's name wasn't that hard because she's basically named after my Grandmother. We LOVED the name, and were surprised when not everyone we told (before she was born) was as excited about it as we were. After a child is born, people tend to keep their mouths shut about whether they like it or not, so I don't really expect snarky comments from the general public when they ask her name. But one thing I didn't expect, is how genuinely proud I am to say her name. It's sweet, and girly, and adorable just like she is. I hope she grows up proud of her name, and proud to be named after someone as awesome as my Grandmother.
• On a related note, that's why when we get around to having our second child, we're not going to tell people the name we've chosen until the child is born. No ones opinion matters on the name, except ours, therefore no one gets an opinion. Also, just for the fun of it, I'm considering not sharing the gender either. Johnathan and I will know, but no one else will. *insert evil laugh*
• It's so fun to see Bonnie's personality come out in relation to toys. In order to get more of a bedtime routine in place for her, I've started to read to her before bedtime. The other night I was reading a book that has pictures with texture. The first few pictures I pulled her hand out and made her feel. She didn't seem too interested so I stopped. But along came the next picture with a baby chick on it and Bonnie leaned forward and touched it all on her own! Mama was proud! Also, the other day I had her in her Bumbo and she kept dropping her toy, so I attached the little table that comes with it to hold her toy. Well forget the toy! She made it her life's mission to disconnect the table top and she was successful. Once she'd pulled it off, she kicked it away. Stubborn like Mommy and Daddy, this is going to be an interesting household.
• Over the next two weeks I'm going to seriously begin my attempt to stop breastfeeding. It's so bittersweet. I completely understand that I'm lucky and have no problem producing milk. I know many mothers would love to be in my position. I have no physical reason to stop, and many women do it for a full year. I know I'll miss it when I'm done, but I feel like it's the right decision for me (I've discussed some of those here). I'm actually proud of myself for making it this long, in the beginning I didn't think I would. We've already started supplementing with a little formula to get her use to it. It's funny how when 2 ounces of formula go to waste, I don't care. But if 2 ounces of breast milk goes to waste, I'm genuinely upset by it. I put a lot of effort into that breast milk, whereas the formula is just money lost. Regardless of where you stand on breastfeeding (and I'm sure there's a bunch of strong opinions out there) please send me warm thoughts over the next few weeks, as it's not going to be pleasant.

Bonnie's bonnet...how cute!



Mother's Day

Mother's day has always been a "funny" day for me. Because I grew up without a mother it wasn't really on my radar until it had to be. I usually had no idea when it was, unless we were in elementary school making something for our mothers. Obviously in those instances I gave whatever I made to Dad. I'm sure I probably did some things for Grandmama over the years, but can't remember anything specific.

I could have gone through the day perfectly happy if people didn't make it a point to come up to me with sympathy in their eyes, hug me, and say they were sorry. I'm sure they had the best of intentions, but it wasn't really helpful. I'm sure for those who don't know me, it all sounds so very cold hearted, but trust me when I say that you can only mourn so long for someone that you never knew. At some point you have to suck it up and gather strength from the circumstances rather than wallow in them. I always say that I'm strong because of my mothers death, not in spite of it.

Once I got married, Mother's day took on a little bit more meaning. I had to remember when it was, because we all know that men are hopeless to remember things like that (am I right ladies!?!?) and Johnathan's mom deserved recognition. After all she did give life to my best friend and lover (I just felt everyone cringe at that one). So over the last few years, I've learned to remember and embrace the day.

However, this year it's taken on another new meaning. It's now a day to celebrate me. To recognize all that I do as a mother. And I now know that this day is SO necessary. We mothers work hard! We feed, and nuture, and comfort, and soothe, and love, and care, and cherish, and snuggle, and and and. The list could go on forever.

I mean, sure, someone (heartless) could make an arguement that we have birthdays so why do we need Mother's day!? But I think once you become a mother those days should both be honored and separate. Birthday's should be to celebrate who you are as a person, friend, family member, etc.. Mother's day should be to celebrate all the sacrifices that we gladly make for our children. A moment to hear "Thank You" and to know that no matter what, we are doing something of worth.

Now I would be disingenuous if I didn't admit that a small part of me is excited about gifts, because who doesn't like gifts!? But really, I'm most excited about the fact that the day isn't just a day anymore. That I understand it now, in a way that I never did before. And that I'm now part of an awesome club of women who deserve honor...and cake (why don't we get cake on Mother's day!?!?).

With that new understanding, I'm going to thank my mother this coming Sunday for lovingly carrying me for 9 months, and her loving devotion while she was still alive. Although I don't remember it, I'm sure it was there just as it's there for me with Bonnie. I kiss Bonnie's face a thousand times a day, and I know to my core that my mother did the same. A thousand kisses that have carried me to now, and will continue to resonate for a lifetime.

I love you Mom!

Mom and 2 month old brother John

Sleeping-in

Now I may be shooting myself in the foot for saying this, but it appears we have a baby who sleeps-in on the weekends. Obviously my definition of sleeping-in has changed drastically but I'll take what I can get. On Saturday she slept til 8:30 and then on Sunday she slept til 10. In fact, that night she slept 15 hours. Not straight, she still gets up at least twice to feed but goes right back to sleep. But how cool is that!? Could she possibly be this awesome and will always sleep-in on the weekends? A sleep loving parent can only hope, perchance to dream!?

We're waiting patiently for her to sleep through the night so we can move her out of our bed. We still have her in the middle on a raised and contoured changing pad. She's beginning to outgrow it (she's getting pretty good at kicking Johnathan in the face), but until she can sleep to at least 5:30 without waking, I'm not moving her to the other room. I did buy a fancy schmancy mobile this past week and installed it, ready and waiting for her baby presence in the crib. It's really nice with animal balls that light up and spin, bees that spin, a projector that puts stars on the ceiling, and music.

Random sleep picture on her play mat

Serious side note:

Some of you may have concerns or disapprove of our sleeping habits with Bonnie. I understand, but we have taken serious precautions to ensure that there is no risk to her being in bed with us. As I mentioned, she is elevated and in a contoured pad so that she can't roll out and we can't roll in. Any blankets that we use are pinned under her pad and her feet face us. Plus our bed is king sized so we're not restricted on space.

I bring this up because Johnathan and I heard a story this weekend about a couple who lost their second child to co-sleeping. We were horrified. To lose one child is bad enough, but then a year later have another baby die because you can't be responsible enough to learn from your mistakes?! To make matters worse, the woman's mug shot is SO disturbing. She has a huge smile on her face. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! If I had just lost one child, much less two you wouldn't see a smile on my face for years. I was going to post her picture on here, but quite frankly I don't want her face on my blog. So if you're interested in the story, you can follow this link: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2126875/Vanessa-Clark-convicted-child-endangerment-SECOND-infant-dies-sleeping-bed.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Bonnie's First Trimester

My little one is now 3 months old. In some ways it's flown by and in others it seems like it's been forever. Although I still mourn my previously lazy existence, the loss feels less and less as time goes on. Now I can't imagine life without Bonnie. A day wouldn't feel complete without some Bonnie snuggles or giving her lovins.

A friend asked if I feel different now that I've had a baby. The biggest difference I feel is that it's made me more empathetic to tragedy. For example, (Hunger Games spoiler if you haven't seen it!) when Rue dies in the Hunger Games movie, I was saddened by it and choked up, but I completely lost it crying when they showed her father reacting to her death. I immediately empathized with him knowing how I'd feel if my little one (who has only been in my life 3 months) was taken from me. The news is not safe anymore either. There are too many sad stories about parents, children, families, etc.

Some people are nervous to fly, but I've always thought, if it's my time to go then I'm okay with that. But that was single me, now that I'm a mother...I have more at stake. I know what it's like to grow up without a mother and I absolutely wouldn't want that for Bonnie. Life has a weight to it now. I feel like I'm carrying her life's happiness on my shoulders. I want so badly for her to have joy.

Sloppy segue...

Although she had her 3 month birthday on Wednesday, we returned to work a week prior to that. I started back in a new role. Still in Compensation, but now I support a specific line of business rather than an entire region. The new role has given me a rejuvenation in regards to work. I'm more excited about working (even when I just want to be with my baby) because it's not the same old same old. It's not so different that I'm completely out of my comfort zone, but it's new enough that I'm energized.

I think we've all adjusted to our new schedule fairly well. The only difference I see in Bonnie's behavior is that it's harder to get her to sleep at bedtime. I'm not sure if it's because she wants to hang with me and Johnathan more, or she's over tired. Selfishly I'd like to think it's because she misses us but I also don't want her to feel deserted by us. Wow, motherhood is complicated!

In a little over a month we'll be going on vacation, and I'm planning to try to stop breast feeding before then. In the beginning I honestly wasn't sure I could have made it this long. Now that I have I'm sure I could keep it up even longer, but I'm just over all the pumping and discomfort and special bras and breast pads. I don't want to be pumping 3 or 4 times a day at the beach. Also, I have a good store of breast milk frozen, so she'll probably make it close to 5 months still on my milk. I'm definitely ready to stop, but I still feel a bit of a twinge when I think about it. She's still not sleeping through the night, and there's nothing so easy as picking her up and feeding her on the spot. I know it's best for her, but I feel like I've at least given her a good start. Plus, I miss milk and I want to be able to drink it again and not worry about how it's going to effect her tummy.

Bonnie Brags

•  She now holds her head up solidly and looks around with purpose
• She uses her hands with purpose. Reaches for and holds toys. She grabs her blankets and holds them like they are toys (super cute, you'd have to see it). She also clasps her hands together like she's pleading, total cuteness.
• I love how when I'm holding her she clings to me like I'm her anchor to this world.
• She is such a sweet, happy, smiley baby. I'm torn between feeling so proud because she came from me and Johnathan, "We made her!" and feeling grateful because she came from God to us, "He made and blessed us with her!".
• Have you seen how freakin cute she is!? Look at her little face! Yeah, that's right we procreate well! #leaningtowardsproud

The Returning to Work Blues

Tomorrow is another milestone in our lives with baby. We both return to work, no more charmed life. We're both not looking forward to it. We'd found a nice rhythm for our lives and had found a lot of happiness there.

I'll admit, before I was a mother I thought the return to work wouldn't be a big deal. I always knew that I would work even after children so I thought I would be excited to get back to grown up things. In the beginning of our leave, when it was so tiring and difficult I still might have welcomed 8 hours away. But now that things have calmed down I enjoy being around her all day.

We're lucky that Johnathan's mom is going to take care of Bonnie while we work, so we don't have to worry about her getting sick every other day. And we don't have to worry about her getting less attention then she's used to. But I think like any mother (maybe?) I'm worried that Bonnie will start preferring someone else over me. She'll be with her Grandmother A LOT more then us. And I know her Grandmother will do a great job, so why wouldn't she prefer her? Deep down I know there are very sound reasons why that won't happen, but a girl still worries.

Oh and did I mention that she still doesn't sleep through the night!? In fact, over the last few days I think she's woken up more overnight then she use to. I haven't gotten a solid nights sleep since before she was born. It's amazing the things we can get use to. That doesn't mean I don't long for a solid nights sleep.

Oh and did I also mention that I had to buy new clothes because nothing I wore before will fit!? There's nothing like shopping to make you realize how bumpy and lumpy you really are. This girl needs to lose more weight, specifically around the middle. Honestly I don't know if that's even possible.

Oh well, on the bright side here are some pictures of Bonnie sleeping.

It's a regular movie studio around here...

A few posts ago I mentioned a face that Bonnie makes that I love, her raised eyebrows. I thought I'd probably never catch it on photo and that it would just have to be something I remembered. But I soon realized she does it when she stretches and she always stretches when I pick her up after she's been sleeping a while. Below is a quick video of that silly little face. I'm picking her up out of her car seat while she's sleepy and stretchy.

The next video is of her laughing. Every morning while we're laying around Bonnie just laughs and has a good old time. By the time we think to record it she won't "perform" for the camera. Today, we finally caught the magic on video. Again, just a short little video.

Two month check-in

It feels like forever since I last wrote, but honestly it's been day to day survival around here. Slowly getting into a sort of schedule even without us trying. We usually sleep as late as we can until the baby wakes, sometimes it's 9 or 10 or 10:30. I'll feed her and then lay her back between us (that's where she sleeps). She stays awake and her Daddy entertains her while I pump, walk the dog, and shower. She seems to be the most happy at this time because she's well rested and fed. She laughs and talks and kicks. Then we all go into the living room and eat breakfast and watch The Price is Right. She starts getting fussy around 11:30 and I walk around with her and get her to sleep. At this point she could sleep for a couple of hours while we watch Golden Girls. She's sleeping on me at this point because I'm crappy at laying her down. Every time I do I wake her up and it's a whole other process to get her back to sleep. Our afternoons usually include running around somewhere on an errand of some sort. Later I play with her while Johnathan makes dinner (sometimes we hang in the kitchen with him and I dance with her to country music). We try our best to get her settled if not asleep by the time we eat, but that doesn't always work. Once she falls asleep we usually move it to the bedroom and watch tv while she sleeps.

The other day when she fell asleep I put her in the room and then went back out to the living room, leaving a monitor on. I was a bit of a nervous wreck. Every little peep she made I stopped and listened. Of course she was fine, it's what all people do, put their baby to sleep in another room. But it was my first time, give a girl a chance to adjust. The funniest thing was at one point I heard: grunt, grunt, TOOT. That's our girl!

A week ago we were in Target on one of our afternoon errand runs and Bonnie was getting fussy. So when we were checking out I pulled her out of her stroller and held her. I had this surreal moment. Standing there holding a baby, who is mine. No one can tell me not to do that or make any decisions for her. She's my daughter. Even though I often feel silly and not at all grown up enough for the job, I know I'm who she has and she relays on us to do the right things by her. Leave it to Target to bring about big life realizations (other than "I really do need this thing and that thing").

Do we ever feel like we're responsible enough to have children? I still feel like the little girl I was most of my life. I feel like the six year old who chose to watch tv instead of going to soccer practice. I feel like the middle schooler who used to buy nondescript romance novels so my dad wouldn't know what I was reading. I feel like the high schooler who had perfect attendance because I was sure today was going to be the day that a crush would notice me. I still feel like the college student who totaled her car because she fell asleep on the way to work after staying up too late the night before. I feel young and inexperienced, even though I'm sure I pretended experience before I had my child. I struggle to find the balance between my selfishness and my need to do right by her. Are we ever fully prepared to shape a life? I guess we'll see. I hope and pray that she turns out as fantastic as can be.

She turned 2 months yesterday. I can already see big changes in her. She's much more alert and pays attention more. She enjoys her playmat much more then she had even a week ago. Hitting the toys with purpose, looking at herself in the toy mirror and laughing. She reached out to herself when Johnathan was standing with her in front of a mirror. Her laugh and smile are the best things in the world. As tired as I may be in the middle of the night, I still adore hearing her laugh in the other room while Johnathan changes her diaper. He is absolutely the best with her. Talking to her and being silly with her, he definitely talks to her better then I do.

She had her 2 month doctor appointment today and checked out perfectly. She now weighs 11 lbs. her weight and head circumference are about 50th percentile, but her height 23 inches is 75th percentile. I'm glad. I want her to be tall. She got two shots, which breaks by heart, I never like to see real tears in her eyes. But she took em like a champ and only cried a little.

Random notes:
* I always have to give her little kisses on the cheek whenever I pick her up. I so wish that she knew that means I love her.
* Jericho is so protective of her. He can't stand it when she's really really crying so he cries too until she's ok. The other day we put her in her pack n play and he couldn't see her. He was very concerned. He kept standing in his hind legs trying to get a look at her. I brought a stool in and stood him on it so he could see she was ok.
* We had our first diaper blowout the other day. She had a little belt of poo around her waist. The onesie went in the trash, which was a shame because I liked it. Oh, but what joyous luck; we had bought a duplicate on consignment the day before and didn't even realize it until after the fact.
 * The delivery now feels like a dream. I see now how people say you forget because it was all worth it. All though because it feels like a dream sometimes I wonder how I got this little bundle.


We couldn't get enough of these tiny little socks. They look like ballet slippers.



I want to remember her this size always!



After her shots. They tuckered her out!

Guess how old I am!?



Big baby blues



This is my good side!



Oh who am I kidding, they're all my good side!