A Day in the Life...

I'm so glad to be participating in "A Day in the Life" on Ashley's blog! I've been reading her for a little over a year now and really enjoy getting a peek into other mother's lives. I blog over at Playing Parent, which started as a good way to track my pregnancy and give voice to being a mother. My own mother died when I was one and I loved anything of hers I could get my hands on. I would have loved to have her written words at my fingertips, so my blog is a way to ensure my children have a piece of me, no matter what.

My name is Wendy, and I live in South Carolina with my dashing husband Johnathan, our spoiled yorkie poo Jericho, and our precious daughter Bonnie. She is 10 months old now, and is a ball of energy! I'm a working Mom, but I get to work from home so my commute is super easy. Today you'll follow me through a Friday, which would normally be pretty boring, but I'm cheating because I'm pregnant again and today is our gender scan!

Let's begin:

5:45am- I hear Bonnie squeaking and showing general signs of wakefulness in her room. If she's not sounding unhappy I usually let her chill until one of two things happen: 1) She starts sounding unhappy or 2) It gets late enough that I've gotta get her dressed, fed, and ready for Grandma's house. But I can say without a doubt that 5:45 is not normal, and I was NOT getting up that early.

6:45am- I must have fallen back asleep, because when I wake up again it's silent. Bonnie must have actually fallen back to sleep herself, which is unusual because when she wakes up, she's usually awake for good. Part of me is in awe of this fact, and another part is starting to get worried because this never happens.

7am- I've waited as long as I can take it, I have to get up and peek in on her. I step into the room and look into her crib. She's laying on her side with her head away from her "Bonnie" pillow with nothing around her, so I know she's fine. I don't touch her for fear she'll wake up, and I wouldn't mind getting back in bed for a few minutes.

7:20am- I'm too excited about today to go back to sleep so I drag myself out of bed and go to the kitchen to mix her bottle. I made it about 5 months breastfeeding, but couldn't keep it up so she's been on formula ever since.

I take the bottle in her room and as I rustle around she starts to wake up a little. She does some cute little stretches and then I turn the lamp on and stand her up to wake her up further. I don't normally have the luxury of waking her up as she's usually bouncing up and down grinning from ear to ear when I walk in her room every morning.

Mid-stretch, not yet awake

Starting to wake-up more

"I'm awake now!"

I change her diaper and get her dressed for the day. We sit down in the chair and she has her bottle. She usually eats the rest of her breakfast with her Grandma at her house. When she's done I burb her and take the time to inspect her nails for clipping, she is in good shape today.

7:35am- I take her into the bedroom and plop her on the bed next to Johnathan. He would normally be gone to work by now, but he took the day off for the ultrasound. We spend some time playing with Bonnie, letting her bounce around, and generally being gleefully attacked by her.

7:45am- I take Bonnie into the living room and put her in her playpen while I prep her stuff. We are so lucky to have my mother-in-law watch Bonnie for us during the week while we work. I prepare a formula bottle for being put in the fridge at Grandma's. I also fill a formula dispenser with her other servings for the day. I put it all in her diaper bag. I also add about 6 nighttime diapers in the bag for a trial run. We use Pampers Swaddlers during the day and Pampers 12 hour at night. However, we've been having trouble with bad diaper rash and are hoping that switching to the 12 hour during the day might help.

8am- Grandma arrives to pick up Bonnie for the day. Normally it's a 5 minute process of picking up, discussing any details for the day, and she's off. However, since my husband is home he makes coffee for them and we sit around chatting for a while as Bonnie plays around the room. It started getting late so I went on with my normal process of taking Jericho out for a walk, coming in and showering, then logging onto my computer for work. Grandma takes our car with her and leaves her own vehicle (ours has the car seat). She lives just up the street so if I need anything throughout the day I can just give her a call.

8:45am- I log onto work (a little later then normal) and start taking care of business. We have to leave a little before 10:30 for our 11am ultrasound appt because we live in one city and have all my OB visits in another. I've been going to her well before we moved here and I didn't want to change.

9:11am- My MIL calls to talk about the new puffs she bought for Bonnie to eat, and how she incorporated those flavors into her baby cereal to make her eat more of that after tasting the puffs (cinnamon and maple). We also discuss the diaper rash issue for a bit.

10:30am- We stop at Starbucks so I can get a little bit of caffeine in me. The last thing I want is a sleeping baby with their legs crossed. I have a gender reveal dinner tomorrow with some friends and family and I certainly don't want to cancel it. I have a fun Willy Wonka golden ticket reveal planned.

11:00am- We get to the appt just in time and are immediately escorted back to the ultrasound room. This is also the checkup where they check all the arms, legs, face, brain, heart, etc. So we are in there a while. We were hoping for a boy, since we plan for this to be our last pregnancy and would love to have a well rounded family.

11:15am- It's a girl!!!! We don't even have a name picked out for a girl, only a boy name, so wow back to the drawing board! But yay! Bonnie will have a sister and we won't have to buy all new clothes! I always wanted a sister growing up! Bonnie and her sister will be 15 months apart and I'm guessing as close as can be (a mama can hope!).

12:30ish- We head out to grab some lunch at our favorite restaurant that we don't get to visit anymore because we live so far away. On the way we stop at the UPS store to drop off some gender scratch off cards for family who can't be at the dinner tomorrow.

I tease Facebook with the following: "We know the gender of our baby. Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad! You'll have to wait a few more days. Muahahaha. #MeanMama"

We get to the restaurant and greet our favorite waiter with double kisses, he's half Latin half Italian, it's what you do! We stuff our faces with Italian and discuss top three girl names.

1:30pm- I get a text from my MIL: "Bonnie just took 3 steps all by herself. Then squealed with her own happiness." I'm not upset about this because she's been taking steps for a while, so I didn't miss anything but it's still fun and cute to hear.

Playing at Grandma's

2pm- I'm way past due for getting back to work, so we head home so I can log back in.

3pm- Johnathan planned to clean his guns on his day off, with Bonnie out of the house. Seems fitting since we'll now have two girls to "protect" from potential suitors. :)

5pm- Grandma brings Bonnie home on the dot since we're both home. Normally she waits for a text from me letting her know I'm ready.

5:30pm- I start to feel nauseous so I crack open a ginger ale and make a run to the store for some crackers. This pregnancy the morning sickness hasn't been bad, but I still get bouts on into my second trimester. Johnathan plays with Bonnie while I get myself right again.

6pm- Fix some sweet potatoes and rice cereal for Bonnie and feed her in the dining room. I feed her some puffs as a side as well. She's gotten really good at throwing them on the floor for Jericho to eat, sigh.

Funny how Bonnie has her hand in the same position as the picture in the background

7pm- It's baby bedtime! Daddy gives her night night kisses and I take her back to her room for a diaper change, put on her PJs, turn on her sound machine (ocean sounds), and turn off the light. We sit in her chair and she gets her last bottle of the day. She usually falls asleep during the bottle but lately since we went away for a night she hasn't been doing that. So we have a session of what I call "Mommy Jujitsu". I hold her while she does a bunch of antics to try and stay awake. Grabs her foot and messes around. Takes her paci out and chews on it. Tries to hit or kick mommy in the face. Anything to distract herself. But Mommy Jujitsu always prevails. I withstand all of her moves while keeping quiet, and avoiding any major injury to myself. After about 10 minutes she always taps out, aka falls asleep.

7:30pm- I join Johnathan in the living room and we watch some Duck Dynasty. I realize we're sounding like total rednecks by now, but it's a fun show.

8:30pm- We fix dinner together, tonight he's having leftovers and I make something else for myself. (I'm keeping it secret because my endocrinologist might be reading this!)

9pm- Just as we're sitting down to eat, Bonnie wakes up crying. This doesn't happen very often, she usually sleeps right through. Johnathan goes back to try and soothe her while I scarf my food down. I am diabetic so I have to take insulin during dinner and I had already taken my shot so I have to eat my food. Unfortunately, Johnathan isn't successful at getting her back to sleep (he usually is), so I go back there and hold her back to sleep. We usually just lay her back down and soothe her, but sometimes that just won't do.

10pm - 12am- We putter around watching TV, looking up baby name stuff, and paint swatches online. I don't normally go to bed at 12 but somehow the day has gotten away from me. Lights out!

Ashley's Questions:

1. What is the most surprising thing to you about being a mom?

I'm constantly surprised at how it has changed my world view. Things that bothered me before, REALLY bother me now. Like when bad things happen to children on TV. I recently saw a picture of a military mom hugging her child sobbing and the second my eyes saw it, I was broken and crying. You never think that you're going to change all that much, other than knowing you'll love your children. I was not prepared to also love everyone elses children merely because I can put myself in the other parents place. I definitely feel like I'm in a club, which sounds silly but so true.

2. What advice would you give to new or soon-to-be mamas?

It's going to be SO hard in the beginning. People try to warn you, but there are just no words for it. Hormones run amuck, sleep deprivation, breastfeeding difficulties, unconditional love for a little helpless someone, etc. It took me a while to feel like myself again, and that can be scary. But your hormones will adjust, you'll somehow get use to less sleep, you'll figure out breastfeeding (and if you don't you'll discover formula), and your love will continue to grow. Soldier on Mama because in the end, it's so worth it!

3. What are your top three baby products?

-Boppy: I've used it every day since we brought her home, and if I had known better I would have had it with me in the hospital. Of course it's perfect for its intended use, but I also used it to sleep with her in the beginning when nothing else seemed to work. I just propped myself up, laid the Boppy on me, and laid her on the Boppy with my arms encircling her. Life saver!
- Diaper Genie: We've only had ours for about a month now. Before that we had a different brand that allowed you to use your own garbage bags. But it stank up the room something awful. The Diaper Genie has been a total nose saver!
- Wireless Camera: We don't use it as much anymore because I had it installed on her crib and she started ripping it off and throwing it on the floor. But when she first moved to her room it was fantastic. We could check on her via an app on our phones where ever we were. A few times we went to the movies after she was in bed, leaving her with her uncle and we could sneak peeks on her during the movie. Took care of our worries!

Mommy Fail @ Four Months

Well, we've made it to four months. Four months still breastfeeding and with a happy, healthy, breathing baby. If you'd have asked me in the beginning if I would still be breastfeeding this far along, I'd have had to pause and give it serious consideration. Never imagining that I'd find my way. In the beginning I was terrified that I'd do something wrong and mess her up. But somehow I've managed to keep her breathing and healthy with barely an injury. (I still touch her sometimes when she's too peaceful just to make sure she's still alive, how long does that last?)

It took me four months before I truly injured my child for the first time. After my fourth month I felt comfortable with "I've-got-this-I'm-an-expert" and it bit me in the ass. While visiting friends who recently had a baby I decided to cut Bonnie's fingernails because she wouldn't let me when she was sleeping. I got through all the sharp ones and felt pretty proud of myself. Put the clippers down and moved on. But wait, this thumb nail looks too long, let me get that one too. Snip! Waaaaaahhhhhh. Took off a chunk of baby's finger too. She cried for about 30 seconds, but then calmed down. We ran her finger under water and it started bleeding. Our hostess is a nurse so she got supplies to help me. Paper towels to put pressure, peroxide, Neosporin, and band aids. Because it was the tip of her thumb it was hard to get a good pressure angle. Once the Dora band aid was on, we needed to get a bigger one to hold it in place. When I squeezed the tip of the Dora band aid blood came squishing out. I can handle all kinds of blood but the fact that I did that to my baby made me light headed. I had to hand her off to Johnathan. She bled for close to 45 minutes so we decided to take her to children's urgent care (it being a holiday and all). When we got there they took us right back because they were pretty sure there wasn't anything they could do for her. They took some gauze and put it on her thumb and then wrapped her little hand all the way up to put good pressure on it. They said a band aid wasn't a good idea because it could come off and she could choke on it (good to know). We made a few jokes about her monster hand, and Johnathan kept saying, "I'm not a monster!" Her little hand was so heavy and she couldn't grip things without her thumb, but she sure tried. She seemed fine and didn't care. Everyone said it happens all the time, but that didn't keep me from feeling like a total piece of useless crap. Who cares if moms do this all the time, I'm not supposed to do it. I accidentally injured my child and felt horrible, it makes you wonder how anyone could do it on purpose. Needless to say Bonnie won't remember it and doesn't care, but I care and I'll never forget. :(

My MIL says I'll do anything to make her left handed :)

We had her 4 month doctor appt today and she checked out well. 13 pounds 14.8 ounces (50th percentile) and 25.5 inches long (90th percentile). We have ourselves a tall little girl, who just loves to kick kick kick those tall little legs. She still doesn't sleep through the night, but she's getting close. She's such a sweet and happy little baby. She rarely gets fussy and loves to give smiles. I'll take that over sleeping through the night any day (oh nice pun!). I only have one four month picture because she was squirming and I couldn't find my actual camera (more on that in a later post). But Johnathan managed to get one good picture on his cell phone.

Oh, and after going on and on about how I'm quitting breastfeeding...I've decided not to quit breastfeeding. It's amazing a woman's ability to change her mind. I've come to this conclusion for several reasons. 1) I'm still producing quite well and it'd be a kick in the face to all those who wish they still could, 2) I've managed to get it down to just pumping in the mornings and at bedtime so it doesn't interrupt my day. That's enough to give her several servings during the day with a little formula supplementing, 3) She's not sleeping through the night and there's nothing easier then just pulling her over and feeding her, and 4) I honestly don't want to go through the discomfort of engorgement, selfishly :). Good for baby, good for me.

Bonnie Brags

• She's a brave girl that doesn't cry for long when she's hurt. She also got her 4 month shots today and was easily consoled by Mama after the fact
• She loves her bedtime stories and kick kick kicks with excitement
• She's learning to grab her pacifier and pull it out of her mouth and then put it back in, sometimes the wrong way, but I think that's on purpose. She's taken to gnawing on it, I wonder if she's starting to teeth.
• She lays happily entertaining herself if she wakes up before Mommy and Daddy are ready to get up.
• Oh I could keep going on and on but you've just gotta see this kid to truly get how awesome she is!

This and That...

• When you take a baby as cute as Bonnie out in public, you're pretty much guaranteed to get a lot of attention. Lots of ohhhs and ahhhs and how cutes. Inevitably people ask what her name is. It's tough work naming things, I sure don't envy Adam his task of naming all the animals. When we had to name Jericho it was quite an exercise. Luckily, Bonnie's name wasn't that hard because she's basically named after my Grandmother. We LOVED the name, and were surprised when not everyone we told (before she was born) was as excited about it as we were. After a child is born, people tend to keep their mouths shut about whether they like it or not, so I don't really expect snarky comments from the general public when they ask her name. But one thing I didn't expect, is how genuinely proud I am to say her name. It's sweet, and girly, and adorable just like she is. I hope she grows up proud of her name, and proud to be named after someone as awesome as my Grandmother.
• On a related note, that's why when we get around to having our second child, we're not going to tell people the name we've chosen until the child is born. No ones opinion matters on the name, except ours, therefore no one gets an opinion. Also, just for the fun of it, I'm considering not sharing the gender either. Johnathan and I will know, but no one else will. *insert evil laugh*
• It's so fun to see Bonnie's personality come out in relation to toys. In order to get more of a bedtime routine in place for her, I've started to read to her before bedtime. The other night I was reading a book that has pictures with texture. The first few pictures I pulled her hand out and made her feel. She didn't seem too interested so I stopped. But along came the next picture with a baby chick on it and Bonnie leaned forward and touched it all on her own! Mama was proud! Also, the other day I had her in her Bumbo and she kept dropping her toy, so I attached the little table that comes with it to hold her toy. Well forget the toy! She made it her life's mission to disconnect the table top and she was successful. Once she'd pulled it off, she kicked it away. Stubborn like Mommy and Daddy, this is going to be an interesting household.
• Over the next two weeks I'm going to seriously begin my attempt to stop breastfeeding. It's so bittersweet. I completely understand that I'm lucky and have no problem producing milk. I know many mothers would love to be in my position. I have no physical reason to stop, and many women do it for a full year. I know I'll miss it when I'm done, but I feel like it's the right decision for me (I've discussed some of those here). I'm actually proud of myself for making it this long, in the beginning I didn't think I would. We've already started supplementing with a little formula to get her use to it. It's funny how when 2 ounces of formula go to waste, I don't care. But if 2 ounces of breast milk goes to waste, I'm genuinely upset by it. I put a lot of effort into that breast milk, whereas the formula is just money lost. Regardless of where you stand on breastfeeding (and I'm sure there's a bunch of strong opinions out there) please send me warm thoughts over the next few weeks, as it's not going to be pleasant.

Bonnie's bonnet...how cute!



Bonnie's First Trimester

My little one is now 3 months old. In some ways it's flown by and in others it seems like it's been forever. Although I still mourn my previously lazy existence, the loss feels less and less as time goes on. Now I can't imagine life without Bonnie. A day wouldn't feel complete without some Bonnie snuggles or giving her lovins.

A friend asked if I feel different now that I've had a baby. The biggest difference I feel is that it's made me more empathetic to tragedy. For example, (Hunger Games spoiler if you haven't seen it!) when Rue dies in the Hunger Games movie, I was saddened by it and choked up, but I completely lost it crying when they showed her father reacting to her death. I immediately empathized with him knowing how I'd feel if my little one (who has only been in my life 3 months) was taken from me. The news is not safe anymore either. There are too many sad stories about parents, children, families, etc.

Some people are nervous to fly, but I've always thought, if it's my time to go then I'm okay with that. But that was single me, now that I'm a mother...I have more at stake. I know what it's like to grow up without a mother and I absolutely wouldn't want that for Bonnie. Life has a weight to it now. I feel like I'm carrying her life's happiness on my shoulders. I want so badly for her to have joy.

Sloppy segue...

Although she had her 3 month birthday on Wednesday, we returned to work a week prior to that. I started back in a new role. Still in Compensation, but now I support a specific line of business rather than an entire region. The new role has given me a rejuvenation in regards to work. I'm more excited about working (even when I just want to be with my baby) because it's not the same old same old. It's not so different that I'm completely out of my comfort zone, but it's new enough that I'm energized.

I think we've all adjusted to our new schedule fairly well. The only difference I see in Bonnie's behavior is that it's harder to get her to sleep at bedtime. I'm not sure if it's because she wants to hang with me and Johnathan more, or she's over tired. Selfishly I'd like to think it's because she misses us but I also don't want her to feel deserted by us. Wow, motherhood is complicated!

In a little over a month we'll be going on vacation, and I'm planning to try to stop breast feeding before then. In the beginning I honestly wasn't sure I could have made it this long. Now that I have I'm sure I could keep it up even longer, but I'm just over all the pumping and discomfort and special bras and breast pads. I don't want to be pumping 3 or 4 times a day at the beach. Also, I have a good store of breast milk frozen, so she'll probably make it close to 5 months still on my milk. I'm definitely ready to stop, but I still feel a bit of a twinge when I think about it. She's still not sleeping through the night, and there's nothing so easy as picking her up and feeding her on the spot. I know it's best for her, but I feel like I've at least given her a good start. Plus, I miss milk and I want to be able to drink it again and not worry about how it's going to effect her tummy.

Bonnie Brags

•  She now holds her head up solidly and looks around with purpose
• She uses her hands with purpose. Reaches for and holds toys. She grabs her blankets and holds them like they are toys (super cute, you'd have to see it). She also clasps her hands together like she's pleading, total cuteness.
• I love how when I'm holding her she clings to me like I'm her anchor to this world.
• She is such a sweet, happy, smiley baby. I'm torn between feeling so proud because she came from me and Johnathan, "We made her!" and feeling grateful because she came from God to us, "He made and blessed us with her!".
• Have you seen how freakin cute she is!? Look at her little face! Yeah, that's right we procreate well! #leaningtowardsproud

Happy One Month!

Our little one turned 1 month yesterday. I cannot believe that it's been that long. Time has really flown by! Bonnie is as cute as ever. She sleeps for longer periods at night, but still wakes up quite a bit. We're slowly finding our new norm, but certainly couldn't do it without help. My mother in law has been a great help, and we've gotten a lot of help from Johnathan's father this past week during his visit.

I'm finding new ways to cope with things that were a problem before, like breastfeeding. I'm finding a new rhythm and disposable breast pads have been a life saver. I was SO frustrated before because I was leaking through the pads, but these disposable ones have a plastic backing so I'm not having issues. I think I might just be able to stick this out!

Bonnie still has gas issues, but we're working through it. It's usually in the morning when she gets fussy and gassy, but she calms down a bit if I hold her through it.

She has had a full bath twice now. Each time she didn't cry and seemed to like it, so I'm glad for that. No one wants a screaming baby during bath time.

She's holding her head up now for longer periods of time. It's fun to see her try to look around.

She's getting better at taking a paci, but has also discovered sucking on her thumb/fingers. Honestly, I'll take anything that can soothe her without having to feed her all the time. Plus I was a thumb sucker until I was about 6 and there were no negative results from it. So I'm all for it for Bonnie.

We have another pediatrician appointment tomorrow, so we'll find out how much weight she's gained. I'm guessing she's in the mid 8 lbs by now. Baby girl is gettin heavy!

Catching Up, Post Baby

• Crying- There has been lots of crying on my part. As I alluded to before, on the way home from the hospital I sat in the back seat with Bonnie and cried and cried. It was happy tears, overwhelmed with feelings of gratefulness and completion of sorts. It was a long 9 months of careful eating, medicine maintenance, and pregnancy symptoms. The labor, although easier than most, was still a real effort of will. At the end of it all we received this beautiful blessing of a child. She was cute, and tiny, and precious, and healthy. As I said on Facebook, "We feel blessed beyond words and can't help but thank God for his awesome blessings. Bonnie is His perfect gift to us." After a few nights at home, the crying became exhausted, frustrated crying. I cried over silly things. For example, I threw myself on the bed in toddler tears because my nursing bra kept breaking. There were many other instances, but I can't remember them because as I mentioned...
• Exhaustion- People try to warn you before you have a baby. They say, "get as much sleep as you can now" or "sleep when the baby sleeps". I think we were lulled into a sense of comfort at the hospital. Bonnie slept so well there, and we could use the nursery when we needed to. Whatever magic the nurses had, didn't last when we got home. Bonnie did not sleep as long while here. Every time we tried to put her in her bassinet she wouldn't stay asleep for long. Therefore, out of sheer desperation I started sleeping with the baby on me. I would feed her and then keep the boppy pillow and other pillows around me and sleep with her. That way she slept for longer periods which allowed me longer sleep. Granted it wasn't great sleep, but it was better than nothing. I worried that I was doing all the wrong things, and that I was raising a baby that was going to be clingy and never sleep alone. But really, sometimes you just have to survive. I decided that even if she did sleep well in the bassinet that I didn't like it. The walls were cloth with no breathability, and she would scoot around and end up sideways, it just didn't feel safe. Plus whenever she was laid flat on her back, she would spit up a lot. But we needed a better solution than what we had. So we made a trip to Babies R Us and purchased a contoured changing pad. We have placed it in the middle of the bed and propped it up with a pillow at the head. Now she is close at hand for feeding and changing, but we can lay her down and get some "alone" sleep time. It seems to be working. She still doesn't sleep all night, which is to be expected, but we're far less exhausted. It's hard to sleep when she's sleeping during the day because it feels so wrong, like there are other things to do and it's daylight! I've been so tired, I've looked at still pregnant women and wanted to warn them not to deliver. Haha, which is insanity and I know it'll get better, it's just hard to see sometimes.

• Feeding- Breastfeeding is hard y'all! I can totally see why someone would choose to formula feed. But I just can't bring myself to do it because of all the health benefits of breast milk. Since about a week in I've had a split on my right breast that causes pain and Bonnie doesn't like feeding on it. So I've been feeding exclusively on my left and pumping on my right. It's hard sometimes to find the time to pump without the baby on me, but I am getting a good supply of milk. We wanted to wait to use the bottle to reduce the risk of nipple confusion, but after about a week and a half we caved in. It helps to have that option for when her Grandmother is here watching her or Johnathan can feed her too. The first time I gave her a bottle, it broke my heart because I felt it shouldn't be that way, but it really is helpful and it's still breast milk. The worst part about breastfeeding is that it feels like my body isn't my own anymore. I have no control over when I leak. I feed her and pump quite often but if I go too long I'll just start leaking everywhere. I'm tired of having to pump in the middle of the night too. I wonder when I won't have to think about it so much, or worry about it so much? It's just not cool.
• Gas- We have got a gassy baby on our hands! She has the hiccups every day multiple times a day, she burps, spits up, toots like a grownup, and has painful gas (poor baby). I say she gets the toots from her daddy. We've started using gripe water, and hope it will help a little. I think she may have mild colic, but she doesn't cry that much.
• Fear- There's a small part of me that is terrified I'll mess up, that I'll be the one person who can't manage to keep their baby alive. If she hasn't moved for a while, Johnathan and I will look at her closely to make sure she's still breathing. I can see that we're in for a lifetime of worrying about her and for her. I suppose that's what it means to be a parent.
• Possessive- I find myself feeling very possessive of her. Wanting her to love me and Johnathan best. I need to get over that, because quite honestly she's going to be adored by others and will adore others. She'll always have a special love for us, so I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from.
• What we love best- the "mmmm" sounds she makes when she feeds, raising both her eyebrows in her sleep, her startled hands reflex when she's sleeping (it's like the spread out arms in the video below), when she laughs in her sleep, when she stares in our eyes. I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting. These are the things that make it ALL worth it.